blood nerve and bone

 It's time for another favourites post! July was a pretty slow month for me - I'm home from university, not working, so I'm not getting up to too much. Regardless, I managed to find some good in an overall quite boring month. This post is best viewed on desktop or desktop mode. Favourite song: WannaCry - Ninajirachi and Porter Robinson The long-anticipated Porterjirachi collab is finally here! I've loved Porter and Nina for about a year now, so WannaCry is the perfect crossover for me. This song is like the Bible for people who've watched Evangelion seven plus times. Like most of Nina and Porter's music, it manages to sound both brand new and nostalgic at the same time. I can't get the rhythm of "I've been everywhere / through every undefended door" out of my head. Highly recommend if you like hyperpop, EDM, or anything similar. Favourite food: Pancakes They're just so versatile. You can do anything you want to a pancake, though my personal...

  It’s been a little while since I wrote anything here! In all honesty, I’ve largely spent my summer lounging around doing absolutely nothing but endlessly scrolling between apps. But, I just had a great three days that I figured I could write about. My time started on Wednesday the 8th of July, when I and my little backpack got on a Flixbus to Manchester. I had tickets that night to see Pale Sailor, Pinkshift, and Heart Attack Man at the Rebellion, a cute little venue - maybe 150 capacity, but barely a third full that night - with Che Guevara quotes on the wall, located directly underneath Deansgate station. I had managed to rope a long-time friend, Cass, into coming to the show with me, after securing her the bag (a free ticket). Cass and I have been to countless concerts together - most of which cannot be named, unfortunately. Regardless, it’s nice to make non-forbidden memories together again. Pale Sailor - an emo band from Sheffield - opened the night. I had never heard of the...

  A little while ago, I wrote a post titled “Ace of Hearts.” It was about coming to terms with being on the asexual and aromantic spectrums. I was very shy; I didn’t say too much, and I certainly didn’t speak in absolutes. I was not-so-firmly on the spectrums, but not entirely, aroace. Now, though, I’m a lot more sure of myself, so I think it’s time for an updated aroace post. I’ve actually identified as at least somewhat aroace since I was about 17 or 18. Suck it, all the anonymous askers who insist I’m holding my girlfriend hostage. I had a stint of identifying as strictly aroace at about 19, but hated myself quite a lot over it, and forced myself into relationships to “prove to myself” I wasn’t really aroace. It worked for a while, and I trudged through the world of relationships somewhat happily, somewhat less-so. Something just didn’t quite click for me like it seemed to for others. When I got into my current relationship, I was identifying as aroace-flux, so fluctuating along...

I'm coming to terms with the fact I'm on the schizophrenia spectrum. Maybe this is a sort of coming out post. This is a big vent about it. I'm not even sure I get to say that. My 'disorder' is 'bipolar' - not inherently a psychotic disorder. I, though, have psychotic features. Honestly, I wonder if a different psychiatrist would diagnose me with schizoaffective bipolar type. That's sort of beside the point, actually. Schizospec, as I understand it, is a term that refers to those with schizophrenia and other psychotic disorders. I feel bad taking that space and that label as my own; I have an affective disorder with psychotic features. But, God, the psychotic features are hard. Let me be transparent about my psychotic features. They mostly appear in mixed episodes and severe depressive episodes, not so much hypomanic episodes - hence my diagnosis of bipolar II over I. The worst of it, almost daily, has to be the magical thinking. Delusions that my thought...

It's the last day of May! A strange month for me, but I had some favourites along the way...  Favourite album: I Love My Computer - Ninajirachi I'm not usually one for EDM - I'm a core kid forever, I fear - but something about this album just scratches an itch for me. I got into Nina from Porter Robinson and I'm never looking back. I do, in fact, wanna fuck my computer. This record manages to feel nostalgic and brand new at the same time. It takes me back to being fifteen, on the beach with my friends, drinking stolen alcohol. What a time. Favourite track is iPod Touch, if you were wondering. Favourite game: I'm On Observation Duty 8 God, it took me so long to finally beat a level on this game. I've played every OD game since number four, and I have no regrets. The premise of this game is that you are a CCTV observer who has to spot - and fix - strange, creepy mismatches. Some are so obvious you'll jump out of your seat, some are so subtle you'll go an e...

I never saw the TV glow. I never had a moment of realisation, and sometimes I long for one. I was a very transgender child. When I was in nursery school, age three or so, I would have a tantrum if someone called me my deadname rather than ‘pingu.’ Even my teachers had to call me pingu, or God forbid. I hated those checkered primary school dresses - I wore a yellow polo shirt and grey trousers every day. When I was six or so, I remember - and so does a childhood friend - going around the playground, hopping my scotch, telling everyone my name was Lucas. I labelled toys ‘Lucas.’ Around this time, my younger sibling was three or four, and had a green monster shirt that read “I’m the little brother.” I got to wear that shirt one day, as ill-fitted as it was, and I was over the moon. I wanted everyone to see it, to see me. The next name I adopted, at about seven or eight, was Leo. There’s actually a video of me saying “I am Leo” while dressed as a surfer, my sibling playing the role of a v...