blood nerve and bone

 Today, I was discharged from the crisis and home resolution treatment team; an emergency outpatient mental health service. The first moment of recovery, I suppose. I have a lot on my mind. As a little mandatory note, all names I mention here have been changed, so I don't get in any trouble. This does feel like my first recovery win. Not that I'm someone who thinks recovery (whatever that means) is paramount - but, hey, it is quite nice to no longer be suicidal enough to have constant psychiatric involvement in my days. My referral came about when I presented to A&E quite desperately suicidal. I hadn't exactly made a plan, and I didn't quite have intent, but I had this palpable urge that I couldn't get out of my head. I couldn't feel safe without going somewhere and doing something about this, even if I really didn't want to do what I did. I spoke to a questionable man there, who had some not-so-nice things to say to me. One good example is that I might...

My system is traumagenic; formed due to childhood trauma. I've long wanted to write about antipsychiatry and mad liberation specifically relating to plurality and systemhood. There's only one way to do that - defend endogenic systems. I hope after this you'll defend them with me, reader. Let me set the scene first. Plurality, or systemhood, refers to an experience where one person has more than one separate identity, sense of self, memory, et cetera; as if more than one person occupies one body. This, generally, is said to come about due to dissociation during childhood trauma. Endogenic systems (shorthand 'endos') are plural systems which did not form due to trauma. There are many ways they could form, but childhood trauma isn't one of them. There's long been infighting in system communities where traumagenic systems ('people with DID/OSDD') see endogenic systems as faking a serious illness, as taking away resources from 'real systems,' and ...

I always found it a bit strange how, when talking love and relationships, most of my friends decided that love (platonic) and love (romantic) were entirely separate ideas. To me, love is just friendship with an extra step or two. Love is something that makes me want to snuggle up to my best friend after a long day. Love is something that makes a friendship that little bit extra special. But, that's about it. When I love someone, they're my best friend who I have cuteness aggression for and who I want to spoil. My friends always described love differently - something entirely new, something overwhelming, something with physical flutters in your stomach. I never really understood that. I put it down to being autistic for a long time, and honestly, maybe it just is. I don't know! All I know is that I don't really know what they're talking about. On the outside, it looks a lot like I know what they're talking about. I have a wonderful girlfriend, who I love in my wa...

  i dont know that i even need to say this, i think its a known fact, but im in an international long distance relationship! my girlfriend lives in northern poland, and i split my time between west wales and northern england. i thought you could come travel with me from northern england over to northern poland, dear reader, for a little ditl of being in a long distance relationship. 8am: wake-up call after 3 airport related stress dreams is a great start! 9:20am: i arrive at the train station in my home village after stopping for a bottle of lucozade on the way. the village chickens are screaming good morning, and its an oddly sunny day. i think its a good omen! 9:30am: first train of the day! i met a man, james, who has worked with greenpeace since 1974 to stop whaling! he was telling me all about his base jumping in australia, all about sharks, showed me his helmet, the whole lot. usually im not one for talking to a stranger, but honestly, this guy was sick as fuck. good luck to ...

 Madness is a funny thing. It's a horror movie trope, a psychiatric label, a societal label. To me, though, it's an identity in and of itself. The first Mad moment in my life that I can recall is my first memory of plurality. I was eight years old, barely, and had just been informed I was going to move over 4000 miles later that same week, and I vividly remember telling my mum in the kitchen that I "didn't feel like myself." I knew who I felt like, but somehow, I knew it was Mad to admit to, and so I didn't admit.  I was a Mad teenager, too. I would (allegedly) go into piles of old prescription drugs laying around my house and take whatever I could find that'd get me a buzz. It became routine. I'd self-harm with anything I could get my hands on, so long as it wasn't obvious, because again, I knew it was Mad. No one had taught me explicitly anything of the concept of Madness, yet I knew Mad was bad. In my late teens and early twenties, I really went...

 Throughout my years in education, I was surprisingly good at the whole thing. I wasn't the typical "good at school" nerd, for lack of a better way to explain the type of person I'm thinking of. I got myself in trouble, I did stupid teenager shit more than a lot of my peers did, and school didn't come naturally to me, except English and geography. But, I left school with all 7s to 9s in my GCSEs. I went on to do two A-Levels and an equivalent course, and left again with 3 A-stars. I say it to brag only a tiny bit, but I fear I might have lost a lot of my bragging rights. My first adventure with university was actually very different to my current one - and out of character for myself now. I studied BSc Psych at a university in north-east England for a year. I did really well, considering my circumstances of undiagnosed bipolar disorder and alcoholism I didn't particularly feel like addressing. I have the certificate - a Certificate of Higher Education in Psych...