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ace of... spades?

 A little while ago, I wrote a post titled “Ace of Hearts.” It was about coming to terms with being on the asexual and aromantic spectrums. I was very shy; I didn’t say too much, and I certainly didn’t speak in absolutes. I was not-so-firmly on the spectrums, but not entirely, aroace. Now, though, I’m a lot more sure of myself, so I think it’s time for an updated aroace post.


I’ve actually identified as at least somewhat aroace since I was about 17 or 18. Suck it, all the anonymous askers who insist I’m holding my girlfriend hostage. I had a stint of identifying as strictly aroace at about 19, but hated myself quite a lot over it, and forced myself into relationships to “prove to myself” I wasn’t really aroace. It worked for a while, and I trudged through the world of relationships somewhat happily, somewhat less-so. Something just didn’t quite click for me like it seemed to for others. When I got into my current relationship, I was identifying as aroace-flux, so fluctuating along the spectrums. I thought at the time that sometimes I was aroace, sometimes I wasn’t. Recently, though, I’ve unpacked this, and figured out that that was just me fluctuating between sex and romance repulsion, neutrality, and positivity. More on that coming up.


I relate a lot to what I said a few months ago about how I experience love. I talked about how love, to me, is friendship with someone I want to spoil. This is pretty much exactly my experience. While my friends talk of some other attraction that separates love from friendship, something often more meaningful and deeper, I sit in awe. I listen to them describe this longing to be under their partner's skin in the bedroom, a fire lit within them, and I have to really think about if I’ve ever felt that. This is always the way I’ve felt about love and sex, long before I accepted being aroace. Sometimes, I want the romantic cliche - I want to have a person I do things with just the two of us, I want to cuddle up to someone, I want to kiss someone. I’m lacking the magnetism of it, though, as I describe it. Largely, I feel the same way towards my girlfriend as I do my close friends. The difference is, to me, that I want to show extra attention to Nat. We get on so well that I can’t imagine being less than life partners with her. But, I’m not pulled in by some abstract feeling of romance. It’s a very difficult phenomenon to describe.


The truth about sex for me is that I’m very pragmatic about it. Maybe that sounds cold - I do enjoy it. It’s a fun bonding activity, but I’m not driven to it. I have very objective thoughts and feelings during sex; what do I do now? Is this good? No, do it that way. Focus. It’s more of a science to me than an emotional art. Regardless, when I’m down for it (which is far from always), it makes me happy to make someone else happy. This made me wonder for a long time if I actually was aroace; surely I couldn’t be if I enjoyed sex? I’ve come to realise that’s not the point. The point is that I’m not drawn to it for any reason other than “I like doing what my partner wants, because it makes them happy.” This is something I wish more people understood about aroaceness. We can, and often do, enjoy sex and relationships. Maybe, though, it’s for different reasons than most people. There might not be a sort of magnetism there during it, but objectively, I’m happy when those I care about are happy.


Weirdly, maybe, being in a relationship has helped me massively in figuring this aspect of myself out. I have someone around me at all times who I trust with the worst parts of me, who I’d share anything with - good or bad. Someone who has never once judged me, a proper safe place. A few times, recently, I’ve broken down to Nat about how guilty I feel, and only ever been met with reassurance that who I am is completely okay. This played a huge role in me coming to think it really is okay. I’m not loveless and cold, I just experience things differently. I still experience them, in my own way. Part of me does wonder if this is all just because I’m autistic, traumatised, or maybe a simple misunderstanding. Either way, I don’t think it matters that much. I always say if you find a label useful in finding people who think and live like you, use the damn label if you want. 

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