schizospec

I'm coming to terms with the fact I'm on the schizophrenia spectrum. Maybe this is a sort of coming out post. This is a big vent about it.

I'm not even sure I get to say that. My 'disorder' is 'bipolar' - not inherently a psychotic disorder. I, though, have psychotic features. Honestly, I wonder if a different psychiatrist would diagnose me with schizoaffective bipolar type. That's sort of beside the point, actually.

Schizospec, as I understand it, is a term that refers to those with schizophrenia and other psychotic disorders. I feel bad taking that space and that label as my own; I have an affective disorder with psychotic features. But, God, the psychotic features are hard.

Let me be transparent about my psychotic features. They mostly appear in mixed episodes and severe depressive episodes, not so much hypomanic episodes - hence my diagnosis of bipolar II over I. The worst of it, almost daily, has to be the magical thinking. Delusions that my thoughts are influencing the world - that the world around me is trying to tell me something, predicting some horrible event. When it's extra bad, I'm convinced people are following me, people have knives, someone's in my house waiting to hurt me. When it's super, extra bad, I swear I see shadows move, shapes in my peripheral vision that look all too human.

A big part of me thinks that, because I'm aware deep down and while not experiencing it that this isn't real, this can't be psychosis. It has to be a sort of quasi-psychosis. Maybe it is. I'm beginning to think the key word here is 'psychosis' rather than 'quasi.'

A big part of schizo-disorders, though, isn't just hallucinations and delusions. Confused thinking is a huge issue for me, in every mood episode. I have a million trains all at once, yet I can't pick anything out from any of them. It's all jumbled - like word soup. That usually doesn't translate to speech, and when it does, I'm just crying and saying "I don't know, I can't make sense of anything" over and over to every question I'm asked. Confused, disorganised thinking frequently makes me want to tear off my skin, scream, and run around. I don't know how I haven't done it yet, honestly.

Negative symptoms are an issue for me, too. I'm sometimes able to hide them better than others can, which I count myself lucky for. The worst is anhedonia - a lack of pleasure. I can't really tell you the last time I felt genuine pleasure, not just surface-level "this is nice," that wasn't substance-induced. Avolition is just as bad - a lack of motivation - no care for anything in my life. Constant "what's the point?"-ing. Stuck in bed, weighed down, even when my mood is higher. People tell me I have a very blunted affect, too, not showing emotion on my face or in my body.

All this is to say, I think I can comfortably say I'm on the schizophrenia spectrum. I want to accept that aspect of my madness - at the moment, I mostly don't. I feel like an intruder, the same way I do in my everyday life. Maybe someday.