cws: suicide (incl method discussion), abuse, grief
hello again - i have no idea what im gonna end up writing here. its just 2am and im just sad waiting for meds to kick in so i can sleep, i want to talk about my dad, but i feel like ive said everything and nothing at the same time somehow. i didnt think six years would be the hardest so far since maybe one or two, this years just been really bad for it. the sicker i got, the more i got it, the more i get it, the more i miss him. i hadnt really missed him before...? not properly anyway, id felt sorry for myself for dealing with this, ive missed the idea of having a dad, but now i kind of miss HIM. like, MY dad. the shit one. because i think we might be closer now - hope might be a better word than think. i *think* hed still be weird to me, and i know if he wasnt dead i wouldnt have been able to largely forgive him for the abuse he put me through. i think hed still be doing it if he was around, but at least i wouldnt be so alone in feeling so miserable, you know? but i dont even get the chance to find out. maybe itd be ok? but no all i can do now is wonder. ive been wondering a lot tonight actually, and i have some questions. what was the last thing you ate? the last song you listened to? the last place you went? the last text you sent? the last words you said? did you know those would be your last? what did you think? what did you feel? did you think of leaving a note? did you feel any remorse for any of it? did you think of me? did you not? which ones better? what did it feel like? how much blood was there? because the coroner said surely not enough, had to be the pills and alcohol, but cant be sure, maybe it wasnt. im tired, dad, im tired of asking myself these things, i want to have never thought of them, but you left me no choice, and i will never truly know why. i know all too well how you could bring yourself to do it despite everyone, i know, i know, but how? im sorry, im being selfish. you made me into a victim a lot of times, but i forgive you, and this isnt one of those times, im not the victim, but goddamn does it hurt. did you think of that? i dont know if i want you to have thought of that. i think id prefer to sit in the thought that you were happy when you went, even if it means i didnt matter. but were you happy to let go? were you at least left alone in peace? was it some sort of final act of love to just leave us alone? im sorry i wanted that, im sorry i wanted you to go away, i want you to come back, i still feel like youre gonna walk through the door any day now and its all some sort of sick cosmic joke. i want you to come back so much, theres a little kid inside of me who hasnt had enough donuts on train platforms, please just get me one more, i want one more conversation, thats all, on that train platform in that same cafe, but us now, not 16 years ago. ive lived about a quarter of my life without you now, 6 of 22, and i dont know how to deal with that, i dont know how im supposed to deal with it. the world shouldve stopped spinning that day when mine did, it isnt fair that i have to just carry on, that the earth keeps moving. you always said i was good at english and writing and id write good stories and i wish this was all just an elaborate story that you were hear to read, i wish my friends didnt tell me i was good at articulating my emotions and experiences about you, i wish i didnt have to know in such excruciating deal what this is like, i wish i didnt have to write about you at all, even if its just whatever stream of consciousness bullshit this is. i wish i could at least have had a "normal suicide" to grieve, as sick as it sounds, one where you were an amazing dad who was loved dearly, and i had to figure out the world without my best friend. instead, i have to wonder if you thought of me at all, i have to balance abuse with a tragic death, i have to desperately want a hug from you while also being glad you dont have hands to lay on anyone anymore. the guilt still sickens me - did it ever sicken you? is that why you did it? instead of losing my best friend, i lost my worst enemy, who i also happen to be a replica copy of, who i know better than anyone in the world i think. how is anyone meant to do that? i walk around the world now and no one knows, my friends dont even really know it all. would you be happy to know people dont really speak of you much anymore? im not sorry for protecting myself, but i have a lot of sorrys to say. im sorry i didnt believe you about her, about that place, about what you wanted, im sorry, please let me say it to your face, but i never can. i was so ungrateful for what you did do for me, and i was rightfully angry with you, but i regret the ungratefulness now, which is no good when youre already gone. what do i even do? i cant keep apologising to nothingness for the rest of my life, or begging for it to come back, or cussing it out for the unceremoniously ended 16 years of bullshit. i know i should move on, and i started to, but i dont know how i can when im just in your situation with a little extra luck and some more self restraint. you taught me everything i cant be, yet made me everything i am. i cant move on when i look in the mirror and see a younger version of you, i cant move on when im in the places you used to be in, i just think of you, i only think of how these places treat you, of what happened to you in them, and im sorry. i cant move on when everything you felt and are lives inside me, too, in every way, the nice ones and the ones that make my skin crawl. im really trying to forgive you for doing all of this to me. it wasnt about me though, you knew you were gonna do it, didnt you? you knew and you said nothing. you gave me a gift and i dont know where it is anymore, im sorry, come back and give me another one, please, ill take better care of it this time. i wonder if youre even there to forgive me for it at all.
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