Skip to main content

first time for everything i guess

twenty two years old and on the internet for over a decade, yet somehow i've never tried my hand at this thing. surprising for someone who likes to talk as much as i do about myself, my life, my interests, my anything at all!

i don't know what i'll get up to here, honestly, if anything. journals are just not that fun to me when my brain works faster than my pen. but, in my journal is a lot of vents, some love letters (to people and to things), some essay ramblings... maybe that's what i'll get up to here. having a space where i can just talk for ages about literally anything, outside of uni, without getting out of bed? #NeedThat

most of the time at-slash-for uni, i'm writing about something that, sure, i take a general interest in. i study international politics, i'm interested in that! but anyone who has/will have a degree knows that sometimes, you've got to do shit you really don't want to do very much. that's been me this past semester, but i think i'll write more about that soon. my final assignment for the semester is due on monday and it isn't very good! i just hope i can bring some more enjoyment into non-fiction writing by doing whatever i decide to do here.

if this is an introduction, i should say stuff about myself. you most likely already know my name is lucas. you almost definitely know i like to be annoying online about bands, dan and phil, and politics. i'd be lying if i said those things aren't what i'll probably end up writing about here, too. but, there's a LOT more in my life than those things, though usually they'd be resigned to the red leather journal that sits on my desk, usually untouched except a couple phone-call-scribbles. maybe you think i'm a decent writer, and maybe you think i'm shit, but i don't really do this stuff for it to be good. i write on ao3 and blogspot for gods sake. some other stuff about me though, is that my bio is true, and i have some sort of problem when it comes to buying blankets. also, i once put calpol on cheerios as a child and lied and said the dog ate it. i think that story really sets the scene for anything to do with me.

i hate writing introductions, but maybe in the next few days there'll be more here :)

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

"untoward mass reactions": antipsychiatry and nuclear weapons

Recently, I wrote an essay for a module on nuclear politics and strategy (yes, I am the classic international relations student, but I swear it’s in a red way, okay?). I was answering a question I’d put together myself – “Why is the United States Strategic Bombing Survey (1946) incomplete in its overview of the impacts of the atomic bombing of Hiroshima?” I formulated that essay question thinking it’s a pretty simple answer; the more subjective, emotional, human impacts go practically ignored. The survey speaks only of ports, roads, fires, deaths, radiation sickness, the influence of the bomb on Japanese surrender and warfighting morale. I took understandable issue with that omission, so I decided that would be my criticism, my answer. But, as I pushed my argument further and kept asking “okay, but why?” as I made each subsequent point, I kept landing on my arch nemesis – psychiatry. Now, this isn’t something I could exactly center my international relations essay on. It can be made re...

survivors guilt

tw / death of a parent, suicide, drug use, psychiatric abuse, self harm, brief mention of suicide methods i'm sat in bed, in a position my hip really doesn't like, eating one of the few foods i can for the next few days. it's an aero mousse dessert thing, if you were wondering. yesterday, i got an angry wisdom tooth pulled, and yesterday, i got diagnosed with bipolar disorder on the way to getting said angry wisdom tooth pulled. i knew it was coming - there was no way even the stupidest psychiatrist on their angriest day could see anything else in me. well, except autism, but that's a whole other ballgame. when i went into that long-awaited appointment, in the psych-ward-not-quite (no bedrooms, but certainly a psych ward), i knew what was going to happen when i got out. i would wait a few days, he would consult, he would prescribe. that's exactly what happened, he was right when he said i seemed clued up. bipolar affective disorder type two and lamotrigine tapering ...

20 2 20

  content warnings: [parental] suicide, incl. discussion of methods, abuse [domestic and psychiatric], drugs i'm not sure why, but it feels appropriate that i'm writing this huddled in a corner in the waiting room at shrewsbury station. all i've got keeping me warm is a not-very-helpful coat and a £3.25 cup of mediocre tea. i wish i could like winter as much as i'm still convinced i do. genuinely, it did use to be my favourite - especially around december and january. it makes me feel small now, though. it makes me remember all the times i wanted my dad to be dead. there were more of these times than i'd ever really care to admit. but i wanted it. i believed my life would be better, and i wasn't wrong. i was right - it is better. for nearly six years now, i haven't been abused by anyone to even nearly the same level. i haven't been scared in my own home, or at all reasonably afraid of being watched. i haven't come home to paramedics, or police, or th...