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ace of hearts

I always found it a bit strange how, when talking love and relationships, most of my friends decided that love (platonic) and love (romantic) were entirely separate ideas. To me, love is just friendship with an extra step or two. Love is something that makes me want to snuggle up to my best friend after a long day. Love is something that makes a friendship that little bit extra special. But, that's about it. When I love someone, they're my best friend who I have cuteness aggression for and who I want to spoil. My friends always described love differently - something entirely new, something overwhelming, something with physical flutters in your stomach. I never really understood that. I put it down to being autistic for a long time, and honestly, maybe it just is. I don't know! All I know is that I don't really know what they're talking about.

On the outside, it looks a lot like I know what they're talking about. I have a wonderful girlfriend, who I love in my way. We're very publicly together, so all my friends kind of see me as The Lover Boy. They aren't wrong; I love love and I love loving. It's just... I don't know, different to how love gets described. Maybe it sounds bad to say I don't always get butterflies and a blush in my cheeks thinking about my girlfriend, maybe it sounds bad to say I don't relate to love stories and romance films. I'm coming to realise, though, that that's fine. I want to cuddle up to them, give them the world, spend my days with them. Maybe that's enough.

Sex is a weird one, though. I do, contrary to possibly popular belief, have sex. Good sex, actually! I love feeling closer to someone in that way, getting to know them in a whole new way. Do I feel anything intense towards sex? Absolutely not. I could really take it or leave it. Do I find people attractive, yes, I suppose I do, does it translate into anything else - a need to get in their pants - not really. To me, sex is a bonding activity the same way watching a movie is. It's fun, and can be nice and relaxing, not much more.

I guess that makes me some genre of asexual and aromantic. Moreso asexual than aromantic, maybe. It feels wrong to call myself that still, when I'm in a romantic relationship, if you want to consider it one. I love my relationship; it's incredibly fulfilling to have my little person by my side. I'm writing this to help myself process that it's okay, mostly. Maybe I'm just the ace of hearts - my girlfriend's heart, specifically.

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