blood nerve and bone

 cws: suicide (incl method discussion), abuse, grief hello again - i have no idea what im gonna end up writing here. its just 2am and im just sad waiting for meds to kick in so i can sleep, i want to talk about my dad, but i feel like ive said everything and nothing at the same time somehow. i didnt think six years would be the hardest so far since maybe one or two, this years just been really bad for it. the sicker i got, the more i got it, the more i get it, the more i miss him. i hadnt really missed him before...? not properly anyway, id felt sorry for myself for dealing with this, ive missed the idea of having a dad, but now i kind of miss HIM. like, MY dad. the shit one. because i think we might be closer now - hope might be a better word than think. i *think* hed still be weird to me, and i know if he wasnt dead i wouldnt have been able to largely forgive him for the abuse he put me through. i think hed still be doing it if he was around, but at least i wouldnt be so alone in...

Recently, I wrote an essay for a module on nuclear politics and strategy (yes, I am the classic international relations student, but I swear it’s in a red way, okay?). I was answering a question I’d put together myself – “Why is the United States Strategic Bombing Survey (1946) incomplete in its overview of the impacts of the atomic bombing of Hiroshima?” I formulated that essay question thinking it’s a pretty simple answer; the more subjective, emotional, human impacts go practically ignored. The survey speaks only of ports, roads, fires, deaths, radiation sickness, the influence of the bomb on Japanese surrender and warfighting morale. I took understandable issue with that omission, so I decided that would be my criticism, my answer. But, as I pushed my argument further and kept asking “okay, but why?” as I made each subsequent point, I kept landing on my arch nemesis – psychiatry. Now, this isn’t something I could exactly center my international relations essay on. It can be made re...